i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
