I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize