Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
