She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
a search helicopter?!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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