mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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