Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
