Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
