The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize