My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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