Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
