He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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