I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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