Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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