So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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