I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize