I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
