he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
