if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
