i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
