Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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