I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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