You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
