I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
