3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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