She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize