I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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