it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
