She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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