i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
