I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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