when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
