Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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