how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
