it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
