sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
