I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
