DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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