I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
