If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
