Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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