I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
