Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
