in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
