I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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