we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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