i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
