I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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