tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
