dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
