My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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