Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
