sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
