the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
