Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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