the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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