ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
