Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
